Sometimes it’s just too much shit.
It's so easy to say "Oh, that's just because I'm ADHD" or "Silly ADHD, planning is for neurotypicals!"
Not as an avoidance of responsibility at all. Just because the thing you've been asked to do is simply unreasonable.
Why is it so difficult to admit that?
ADHDers get told (over and over) that if we just:
managed our time far better (time blocking, anyone?)
got a lot more organized (planners are so pretty!).
followed through (that’s what trustworthy people do)
stopped procrastinating (god, we’re so lazy)
remembered things (because if they mattered, we would), or
just tried harder to focus
We’d be good.
As if we asked to be driving the wrong way down a one-way street called The Way Things Were Built Blvd.
The self-help industry absolutely loves this. Every problem is a sign that you need to work on yourself.
You miss something. So ADHD.
You can't keep up. That's just ADHD.
You know exactly what you need to do and still aren't doing it. That's the very definition of ADHD! Obvi.
Sometimes, sure, it’s totally ADHD.
And sometimes it's just plain ol’ too much shite.
There are only so many hours. Only so much attention to be had. That's just the way it is, really isn't it? It simply couldn't be that you're being handed a mountain of work to do in a very short space of time with absolutely no support, can it?
Nope. Must be the ol’ ADHD.
But math is math. You cannot time-block your way around too few hours or the world’s obsession with productivity.
I see this all the time in coaching.
Someone comes in blaming themselves for not keeping up with the pile. We look at where it all breaks down. The task may have been inherently vague. It could have simply slipped through the cracks. They might have needed a different entry point or some external scaffolding.
But as we make it more manageable, I start to hear just how much is actually in the pile.
I'm a coach, not a wizard.
Though that would be awesome.
My training and experience can help deal with an executive function issue. It won't be easy, but at least we know what the problem is.
But what if the workload is unreasonably high?
We're looking at a completely different session.
Good news, my skills go well beyond ADHD.
Being responsible for something you can't control is just plain sucky.
And it’s overwhelming.
You're responsible for getting it done, but you have no control over the conditions under which it gets done.
You're responsible for the parenting, but you're not in any way in control of everyone else's particular needs, preferences, learning styles, personality, etc., etc., etc.
You're responsible for how well you do your job, but other people have a role to play and will have an opinion as to what the next step is.
You're the one who has to show up in relationships and in society. The other people are who they are. Society's expectations are set by gremlin puppeteers who care about your welfare only as far as they can profit from it.
Then somewhere in your sphere of responsibility, things just fall to pieces despite your best efforts, and the blame is all on you.
Why couldn't I get my time together?
Why am I so forgetful?
Why the hell didn't I plan ahead any better?
But time management, memory, and planning don't give you any control over things that aren’t actually under your control. They don't give you any control over other people, the number of hours in the day, sick kids, staffing issues, interruptions, or the fact that your responsibilities may already be beyond what you can cope with.
Self-blame is like chapstick.
You know the bit where people say chapstick makes your lips drier but you just carry on using it because it feels like it's doing something for you?
Weird analogy, really, but stay with me.
If your lips are dry, you should apply something to moisturize them. It's a sensible thing to do for those dry, cracked winter lips. And it just feels better to do something, anything, than just to stand there not knowing what to do.
But then your lips are dry again, and you're thinking, UGH, why did I use chapstick? Or UGH, why didn't I use enough chapstick?
Either way, it's your actions that are the problem.
And if you're the problem, then yippie! There's something to be fixed, and it's you, and you can fix you, right?
Except the problem is not you, and you are not broken. You've been sold a lie that this thing is helping, when in fact it can be part of what keeps the cycle going.
Ugh, I genuinely hate chapstick, so let's move on from that analogy.
We can alter the routine, work harder, Google another solution, or try to reverse-engineer why we're always ending up here.
If we can just find the right explanation, then perhaps next time will be different.
The cold hard truth is you can't control everything.
You have no idea what's going to happen next.
You can't guarantee that if you get disciplined enough, organized enough, or good enough at managing your ADHD, you'll finally get to the point where you're no longer overwhelmed and can keep up.
Uncertainty sucks. Like chapstick.
We’re really good at gaslighting ourselves.
We tell ourselves the demands aren’t unreasonable. It's even easier if you've always been the one who gets on and does the job.
You've been compensating for so long that compensation has become part of who you are.
You remember for everyone. You sort things so that life is bearable for everyone. You stay up later. You pick up what someone else has dropped.
Eventually everyone comes to believe the system works because it's all moving. No one stops to notice that the system is actually you.
Meanwhile your own work is still getting pushed.
Your appointment's been rescheduled. It wasn't that important, was it?
Your idea can wait. You've got plenty. It's absolutely fine.
Your body can wait. It's been through worse.
The things you wanted to do can happen once everything else has settled down.
Except there's always another thing behind a mountain of things and no valley in sight.
Motherhood was especially made for this.
You put the kid first because sometimes the kid really does have to come first.
Then someone reminds you to practice self-care.
Right. Who's supposed to be arranging that?
Usually you.
Self-care then becomes yet another thing to remember. Another thing to plan, to prioritize, and to actually get around to doing after all the other things are sorted.
Add in ADHD and your own needs are even further down the list.
Eventually you look at how little progress you've actually made on your own stuff, and you just decide, well, obviously the problem is you.
Something’s gotta give.
This is the bit I hate most.
Sometimes you can't get everything done. You have to admit defeat. The defeat we're talking about here is defeat of the most capitalist kind.
You've got to get rid of the notion that you can do it all and then work out what you're going to let go.
That could mean refusing new work.
It can mean just sitting on your hands and letting something sit rather than rushing in at the last minute to save it.
It can simply mean saying "nope".
And then someone might be let down. Honestly, it's a bit of a blow when you’ve been praised as the get-it-done girl, and suddenly, you're not.
Something could be late. It's not the same as a doctor being late to come in and replace an organ, but it can quite easily feel that way to your nervous system.
A problem you've usually just prevented will eventually come to light for all to see. Danger. The illusion of perfection is in jeopardy.
But that can be the proof. If the only way things work is for you to just keep on overfunctioning, then you've been carrying all the consequences of it for a long time. For like, ever.
Before you buy another self-help book, look at the situation.
When I'm working with someone who is blaming everything on their ADHD, I want data.
SHOW ME THE DATA!
What actually happened?
Was there enough time?
Was there enough support?
What changed?
Was there a particular point when the action came to a standstill?
What was under their control?
What wasn’t?
Perhaps we can find an ADHD-related issue to work on.
Perhaps we've got a workload issue.
We usually find some of both.
But those are still different problems.
And I don't want to spend six months helping someone get better at tolerating something that's unreasonable.
ADHD is only part of the story.
Frankly, sometimes it's just too much shit.
So, what’s gonna give?
Start here:
Awareness. Just become aware of your patterns. What is it that takes the place of you? What actually happened the last few times you actually tried to do something for yourself?
Acceptance: just remember you're not broken for finding it difficult. Sometimes the demands are absolutely unreasonable. Your needs are valid even if life is hectic and/or messy.
Action: Different problems require different solutions.
If it's an executive function issue, try using an external prompt, breaking the task into smaller steps, or setting up a cue to help you pick up where you left off.
If you're always giving up your time for everyone else, just say no to one more request this week or delegate one small task.
If your pile is genuinely out of control, then let one thing go or ask for help (even if it's uncomfortable).
Start with awareness. Move to acceptance. Then do one tiny, flawed thing and give yourself credit for that. This is going to be hard. You've had a lifetime of bullshit told to you about what you're supposed to be able to cope with and do. It's going to take time. And it's still totally possible.
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